What the CDC REALLY stands for

It would be comical if it wasn't so tragic

The CDC cares.

Really cares.

But not about you.

Or your children.

The CDC cares about pets.

And masks could harm your pets.

I know, I know - that can’t be, because masks are perfectly safe, right?

These lovely things we’ve been forced to wear, and that our children wear on the bus and all day long at school?

How could they possibly harm our furry friends?

By increasing carbon dioxide to levels so high they cause oxygen deprivation, headaches, sleepiness, poor concentration, loss of attention and increased heart rate - levels that far exceed the exposure limit for workplaces and are in the serious health risk zone on the Carbon Dioxide Hazard Scale?

By quickly becoming contaminated with pneumonia-causing bacteria, meningitis-causing bacteria, parasites and fungi?

By impeding their communication due to less audible speech, not allowing them to read each other's facial expressions and reducing emotion-recognition?

By hindering their language development?

I'm not sure, because the CDC doesn't say.

Apparently they just decided they’re harmful and that was good enough.

I know what you're thinking.

COVID is dangerous! Shouldn’t we protect our pets from this virus that’s EQUALLY harmful to everyone?

“Pets can get serious illness from infection with the virus that causes COVID-19, but this is extremely rare.”

Ohhhh.

You know, I'm starting to think this CDC document has a few typos. Here. Let me fix them.

Children can get serious illness from infection with the virus that causes COVID-19, but this is extremely rare.

Do not put masks on children; masks could harm your children.

That makes more sense, right?

This must be what the CDC meant, considering we have many, many studies about the harmful effects of humans wearing masks, and none about the harmful effects of pets wearing them.

And especially considering there (seriously) is an animal vaccine for COVID-19 that isn't mentioned at all on this entire CDC webpage about pets.

How odd.

Surely we would want to vaccinate (and boost) our pets, right? All of our pets should be “up to date” on their COVID vaccines, right???

You’re not the first to ask.

Pet owners have been asking their veterinarians when a COVID vaccine will be available for their pets (since it's already been used at some zoos).

And the answer is not anytime soon.

Because “data do not indicate such a vaccine would have value.”

“When pets do fall ill, they tend to have mild symptoms, which may include lethargy, coughing, sneezing, runny noses or diarrhea. The animals typically make full recoveries without treatment, although a handful of more severe cases do occur occasionally.”

Gosh. That sounds like another population I know, but I can't quite put my finger on it…

Anyway, your hunch was right - vaccinating pets isn't recommended (or even mentioned) because, as the CDC puts it, serious illness from infection for pets is “extremely rare.”

Unfortunately, any animals that do get vaccinated get a traditional vaccine - not one of the fancy new mRNA vaccines.

It's kind of sad that the animals have to miss out on this exciting new technology, isn’t it?

I wonder why that is.

Maybe the Biden administration didn't order millions of mRNA doses for all of our pets because the risk/benefit analysis doesn't support such universal, mass vaccination with novel technology.

And because there isn't enough long-term safety data to know if we'd be harming millions of...pets.

Yeah. That must be it. We're not going to vaccinate our pets with a brand new vaccine they don’t need that could harm them.

And for crying out loud, we're never, ever going to put a mask on their cute, furry little faces!

We would never do any of these things because this is America, people! And we love our pets!

The CDC, ladies and gentlemen: Caring for Dogs & Cats.

Now in all seriousness, the CDC recommendation is actually good news. We finally know the answer to this mask problem we’ve been facing for nearly two years. From now on,

When you go into a store…

When you board a plane…

Or if you’re a child going to school…

Simply identify as a dog.

Problem solved.

~ Dr. Amy Fido